I am a single mum. Most of you know that. The ex (who shall now be known as Twatface or the sperm donor) called me up 3 months ago to tell me he was leaving me. He had met someone else. It took me a while to get my head around it, but I knew it was coming. It wasn’t the first time he’d cheated on me, but it would definitely be the last. My trust in him had been floundering for quite some time, and that was the last straw.

It makes me wonder though, will I ever really be able to let anyone into my life like that again? Especially when it wouldn’t just be my life, but my childrens’ lives as well. The answer? I’m really not sure.

The only people I know that I can trust completely in my life are my parents, and me. Anyone else could let me down. A *lot* of people have let me down throughout my life. I have kept strong, but I don’t know if I want to put myself in that position again. Plus, I quite enjoy having my own space and not having anyone to clean up after either!

On the other hand I do miss having someone to chat to in the evenings. Not that there was much of that in the last year of my marriage, but still – there was someone to keep my toes warm in bed at night. Someone who could, in theory, let me have a little peace if I was poorly. Someone to have a laugh with, sometimes at least.

It’s been over 5 years since I was last on my own. That’s a long time, and it has taken a while to adjust to being on my own again. I still occasionally wake up to the children thinking “he can deal with them, I need more sleep”, only to remember that there is in fact no one else around to take the weight off my shoulders occasionally.

And you know what? Most of the time I’m ok with that. Really, I am.

First of all I need to trust in myself. I need to know that I won’t let myself get taken in by whatever random person walks into my life wanting a bit of fun. I need to trust my instincts and not let my (lusty!) feelings get in the way. After all, if I’m really desperate there’s always my rabbit friend to help out. 😉

Then I wonder, how much of my trust in that “true love” idea is left? Considering what a complete and utter twat the sperm donor turned out to be, my “Mr Right” as I thought of him… if that was so SO wrong, then maybe there’s just not anyone out there.

Right now, I’m just not too sure about all of this.

At least I can take my time and just try to sit back, relax and enjoy myself in the mean-time.

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  1. October 9, 2009 / 11:01 pm

    Well, from where I’m standing (ie, the wrong side of 40 and hurtling towards 50!) you are very young. You have plenty of time to discover your strengths, regain your confidence and rediscover a little faith in the opposite sex. It sounds like you have the right attitude – being a single parent is certainly not easy but you sound very positive. You will find resources in yourself you didn’t know you had and the knowledge that you can be independent and stand on your own two feet. That’s a strong position from which to go into a new relationship, as and when the time comes.

    I married very young and it was over in 2 years. I felt very lost at first and very much a failure but I had 3 years on my own, just doing my own thing and then met someone I fell for, quite unexpectedly. Looking back, I realise that although I was in my 20s I did a lot of growing up in those years and learned things about myself that I wouldn’t have done in a relationship. My hubby and I have now been together for 21 years (God that makes me feel old!).

    You may not feel like it, but it sounds like you’re actually quite together. “At least I can take my time and just try to sit back, relax and enjoy myself in the mean-time.” That definitely sounds like the right way to go.
    .-= Shelagh´s last blog ..“ rel=”nofollow”>Songs of the Auvergne =-.

  2. October 10, 2009 / 9:54 am

    I think I really need to have time by myself and be happy in the situation I’m in before even thinking about having another relationship. If that takes a few years then that’s just going to be the way it is.
    Thanks for sharing your story with me, it helps to hear how others’ lives turn out. 🙂

  3. October 10, 2009 / 10:48 am

    I’m waaaay ahead of you there… 😉

  4. October 10, 2009 / 1:08 pm

    Trust will be hard. Once you lose the ability to love and trust completely you have in your earliest relationships, it’s more of an uphill struggle. But, y’know, in my experience that slower, more measured, more testing start to a relationship can be great fun.

    Take some time, enjoy yourself, and hopefully you’ll come accross someone worth learning to trust.
    .-= Adam´s last blog ..“ rel=”nofollow”>The Good, The Bad & The Uke =-.

  5. October 11, 2009 / 6:47 pm

    I find that true love often happens when you aren’t looking for it. My boyriend definitely seen me (and helped me through) my worst before he seen me at my best. To me, that indicated that he was willing to wait and help me put myself back together. Neither of us say that we spotted each other across a room and instantly fell for each other – it was more a case of developing a good friendship for over a year before realising we liked each other, had grown to know each other properly etc.

    It took me a while to trust the opposite sex, but I wouldn’t say that distrust was a disadvantage, and I’d say definitely so if you have kids involved. Nothing wrong with a few faceless strangers they don’t meet if that tickles your fancy I guess haha!

    Like you say, you’ve been through a lot, mainly helping other people – enjoy some time to yourself for a while, you deserve it!!
    .-= Kirsty´s last blog ..“ rel=”nofollow”>Looking for Models =-.

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