I am a single mum. Most of you know that. The ex (who shall now be known as Twatface or the sperm donor) called me up 3 months ago to tell me he was leaving me. He had met someone else. It took me a while to get my head around it, but I knew it was coming. It wasn’t the first time he’d cheated on me, but it would definitely be the last. My trust in him had been floundering for quite some time, and that was the last straw.
It makes me wonder though, will I ever really be able to let anyone into my life like that again? Especially when it wouldn’t just be my life, but my childrens’ lives as well. The answer? I’m really not sure.
The only people I know that I can trust completely in my life are my parents, and me. Anyone else could let me down. A *lot* of people have let me down throughout my life. I have kept strong, but I don’t know if I want to put myself in that position again. Plus, I quite enjoy having my own space and not having anyone to clean up after either!
On the other hand I do miss having someone to chat to in the evenings. Not that there was much of that in the last year of my marriage, but still – there was someone to keep my toes warm in bed at night. Someone who could, in theory, let me have a little peace if I was poorly. Someone to have a laugh with, sometimes at least.
It’s been over 5 years since I was last on my own. That’s a long time, and it has taken a while to adjust to being on my own again. I still occasionally wake up to the children thinking “he can deal with them, I need more sleep”, only to remember that there is in fact no one else around to take the weight off my shoulders occasionally.
And you know what? Most of the time I’m ok with that. Really, I am.
First of all I need to trust in myself. I need to know that I won’t let myself get taken in by whatever random person walks into my life wanting a bit of fun. I need to trust my instincts and not let my (lusty!) feelings get in the way. After all, if I’m really desperate there’s always my rabbit friend to help out. 😉
Then I wonder, how much of my trust in that “true love” idea is left? Considering what a complete and utter twat the sperm donor turned out to be, my “Mr Right” as I thought of him… if that was so SO wrong, then maybe there’s just not anyone out there.
Right now, I’m just not too sure about all of this.
At least I can take my time and just try to sit back, relax and enjoy myself in the mean-time.